so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
