how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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