I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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