I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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