if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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