are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
