WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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