I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Houston, we have a squirter
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
