i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
she peed on how many people?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
