Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
So much rum. So many feels.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
