2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
