i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Randomize
