My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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