hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
