I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
