Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
