No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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