At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
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