he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize