Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
