It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
