I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
