life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
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