Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
