Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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