Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
