Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
