the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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