Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
never play flip cup with pint glasses
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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