she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
