I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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