"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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