Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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