Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
