so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
