great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
