Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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