TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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