Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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