I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize