Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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