sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
