I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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