I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
