Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
