i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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