that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
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