just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize