I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize