How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
