Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
