I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I have post one night stand depression
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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