If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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