i wish my penis had a tongue
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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