Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
