No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
You took a bar mat shot.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
